I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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