I like to think it a success when the cops are called
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
