I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
