How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
