I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
