I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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