Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
