Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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