She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
