So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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