Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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