Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
