I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
