I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
