i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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