I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
