kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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