i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
even my farts smell like vagina
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
