everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
