Already got asked if we're dating
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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