Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
We had sex on a dog bed..
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
