my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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