She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
