So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
