Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
