You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
