Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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