how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
