he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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