I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Randomize
