I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
