Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
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