New low: just hacked my moms facebook
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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