the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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