Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
