you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
