the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
