Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Randomize
