the only muscles i have these days is kegels
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
