Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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