I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
