just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
