I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Someone shattered a urinal.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize