thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
