I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
