What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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