That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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