I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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