i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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