If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Randomize
