I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
