Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
