But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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