it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
