Sry I called you an 8
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
