Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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